Powell Hold Moats to a 0 Yard gain…but Moats made it by a few inches
By Frankie Lane

By now, 95% of you have already heard about the terrible story of Houston Texan’s RB Ryan Moats and his encounter with Officer Robert Powell.

For the 5% of you, here’s what happened.

Ryan Moats and his family were rushing to the hospital after learning that his wife’s mother is on her last breath. About a mile away from the hospital, Moats goes through a stop light without coming to a complete stop, understandably, might I add. The cop then starts this 1 mile car chase with Moats. (What Moats should’ve done was to read the well-written article on car chases found here. He might have been able to avoid this whole mess.) So Officer Powell follows Moats to the hospital and draws a gun on Moats as Moats frantically gets out of his SUV. Here’s where the cop just flipped out. “I can screw you over!” Powell exclaimed, as Moats pleaded with Powell to let him go in the hospital to see his dying Mother-in-Law. Here, just watch for yourself:

Ryan Moats detained by police

Ok, here are some of my theories on what happened. First, let’s take a look from Officer Powell’s viewpoint. (Harp playing in the background as the camera switches to Officer Powell’s view)

Look! That big SUV just ran a stop sign! Must be a gangta in that SUV! And he must be an Afro-American! (Except, in my mind, I don’t say Afro American, I say something else that sounds like Arnold Schwartznegger’s last name, but only the last part of the last name.) Holy poo-poo, this gangsta’s going fast in his fat SUV! I’m going to treat that mutha like a king when I catch him, Rodney King! Ok, he’s coming out of his car. I knew it! An afro-American Gangsta rapper! I was right again! Hmm, nice t-shirt. Man I wish I can wear a t-shirt a jeans and look as dope as those afro-americans. I’m not jealous. But for some reason, everyone I pull over seems to be afros. Haha, poor bastards. Ok, focus, this gangsta’s probably packing some heat, like they all do, bastards! He’s probably high on crack, so I better show him I’m serious. I’m pulling out my gun. I swear, I shoot him if he just looks at me the wrong way, damn afro-american. My goal in life is to put all of these afros in jail, where they belong. I’ll show him who’s boss, “I’ll screw you over, punk! I can put you in jail, I can make your life difficult!” I’m GOD to you, afro! Look at my badge and gun! Sheesh, look at the package on this dude. Your penis is bigger than mine, damn it! It’s not fair! Why?! And those damn pills don’t work! My wife left me after she cheated on me with a brotha! It’s not fair! Why are you guys so huge! Ok, focus, focus. What?! Your mother-in-law?! Are you kidding? Mother-in-law? Let her die! I’m doing you a favor! You know you hate your mother-in-law, and I guarantee you she hates you too. So look, afro, I’m doing you a favor. “Shut your mouth!” I’m talking here. Just because you have a bigger d—k than me doesn’t make you better than me! I’m smart! I had the highest ACT score in my skinhead clan! You ain’t better than me! Ah forget this. I’ll just give you a ticket. I won’t be able to beat you senseless, cuz you look kinda bulky, even for a afro. I’m going to go look for me some ‘ho’s to bust.

Ok, that explains how and why that happened.

Here’s what Powell was thinking:

Red light. Ok, I’ll be careful and make sure the other drivers see me. Oh good, they’re all stopping. It’s not rocket science where I’m going, given that I’m a mile away from the hospital. People are smart, they get it. My poor baby’s crying. I feel bad for her. But her mother, she never thought I was good enough for her anyway, so good riddins! Oh man, there’s that cop again. You know I went to high school with him. He a little creepy guy, always staring at me in the showers. I think he’s gay. Some of my teammates on the Texans are gay. Clay Aikens is gay, who would’ve thought! That’s why he didn’t win American Idol. But this is 2009. We have a black president, and this year, we’ll finally have a gay guy win American Idol. Adam Lambert. That guy’s talented. I’d go gay for that guy. Did you hear his rendition of “Mad World” last night?! Wow! Ok, wait, that hasn’t happened yet. This is March 17th. Sorry. Anyway, gay boy’s chasing me down. Maybe he’s escorting me. Yep, that’s what he’s doing. Great thing about those gay people, they smart. Ok baby, get to your mom, I’m goin catch up with my gay high school buddy. Whoa! Put that gun away homes! I didn’t mean “homo”, homes is just what we call our friends, so don’t get all bent out of shape. What? Are you still mad at me because my ---k is bigger than yours?! You’ve got to drop it, playa. Alright, give me the ticket, that’s cool. Thanks for keeping me out here for so long. Know my mother-in-law, she would’ve used her last breath criticizing me for something I did. Alright playa, peace out. Haha, like Seacrest out! I love American Idol. Too bad that Megan Joy got voted off. She was a fine piece of…

Ok, so I think Moats took it well. And I know this is exactly how he felt because he immediately forgave Powell, after Powell apologized. He probably thought it was no big deal. All’s well that ends well. Powell is fired, and Adam Lambert is going to win American Idol season 8. See you next time!

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